OLD AGE

Growing old 

A little poem, so true that it hurts.

Another year passed, we’re all a year older.

Last summer felt much hotter,

And now winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago,

When life was quite a blast.

And now I understand,

About living in the past.

We used to go to weddings,

Football games and lunches.

Now we go to funeral homes,

And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,

From parties that were crazy.

Now we suffer body aches,

We’re sleepy and we’re lazy.

We used to go out dining,

And couldn’t get our fill.

Now we ask for a doggie bag,

And go home and take a pill.

We used to often travel,

To places near and far.

Now we get sore asses,

Just riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs,

And drink a lot of booze.

Now we stay home at night,

And watch the evening news.

That, my friends, is how life is,

And now my tale is told.

So enjoy every day, and live it up,

Before you turn to mold.

by Anonymous

 Here's a little something to keep you laughing . . .

Available as an e-book from: Smashwords.com

Happy reading

MR PUBLISHING DIES

New Zealand’s Mr Publishing – Ray Richards – farewelled

Eulogy delivered by Geoff Walker, former publishing director at Penguin New Zealand

I’m Geoff Walker and I’m a long-time friend, colleague and former employee of Ray Richards. I want first to extend my deepest condolences to Barbara, Nicki, Bron and their families.

Ray was my first publishing mentor. He gave me my first job in publishing 38 years ago and it’s been one of my life’s great pleasures and privileges to work with him as colleague and friend during all that time.

 

Ray Richards

I’m here to tell you about Ray’s extraordinary professional achievements, in a career in book publishing that lasted an almost unbelievable 77 years. It just has to be a record. Perhaps others overseas have continued working this late in their publishing lives – but surely nobody began at the age of 15. Publishing was in Ray’s blood and he found it impossible to relinquish.

That’s how young Ray was when he began working as an office boy at Reeds in Wellington before the war. After the war he returned to Reed as an editor.

And then began a remarkable publishing career which is unparalleled in the NZ book world. Someone recently described him as ‘the grand old man of New Zealand publishing’. I don’t think he would have minded that. This courteous, gentle man had a sharp analytical mind and, at a crucial moment in this country’s history, an ability to read the cultural winds and produce some great books.

It’s not stretching things too far to claim that Ray essentially created New Zealand publishing as we now know it. It’s a big claim, but I think it’s true. From the mid-1960s Reeds under Ray created a new kind of New Zealand book and set up New Zealand’s first commercial publishing culture.

We don’t see much of these books these days, but there are some of them over there. The novels of Barry Crump, the first big tourist color books, a big Maori publishing programme, the books by Peter McIntyre the painter, the T P McLean rugby tour books, natural history books, lots of New Zealand history, and so on.

This was all new. These were New Zealand books, by our writers, for us. It was the flowering of a specifically Kiwi publishing culture, which continues to this day, and it was led by Ray Richards. Ray has described this period as being ‘like a runaway train – unstoppable’. It’s easy to forget just how successful Reeds’ publishing was. They never printed less than 5000 copies – that’s double what a publisher would print today.

I was a long-haired leftie young editor, an enthusiastic new member of the team. And I was in awe of the man guiding this revolution – he was charming, canny, passionate about New Zealand culture, and possessing a very sharp commercial eye for what would work in the marketplace. He was a hands-on publisher, building strong personal relationships with many of his authors. And he was a brilliant editor himself.

But any life this long is also a rich tapestry in which there are ups and there are downs. Reeds ran into financial trouble in the 1970s. Ray ended up in bitter conflict with the owners. There were staff redundancies. As Ray himself has described it: ‘The team fell apart.’ Ray and Barbara’s beloved daughter Meredith died while overseas. Like the other Reed editors at the time I remember this vividly. It was the lowest of lows. And it was Barbara who said one night to Ray: ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m moving to Auckland. Do you want to come?’ It was time to leave and start a new life.

And so in 1976 they did. In Auckland they set up on their own as a book publisher and Ray became the first executive director of the Book Publishers Association, making a major contribution to New Zealand book publishing in a different way. In the same year he established in partnership with Barbara the Richards Literary Agency, which then became the second part of his publishing career. Barbara was an integral part of it and so were Nicki and Bron at various times.

For decades Richards Literary Agency was New Zealand’s biggest and strongest. Ray specialised in children’s books and he had a huge stable of children’s writers. He achieved considerable success in selling foreign rights, particularly to the United States, and he earned the gratitude and loyalty of many of our leading authors. To the end Ray was still working personally with fine writers such as Joy Cowley, Witi Ihimaera and Tessa Duder. He still represented Maurice Gee.

It isn’t possible to talk about Ray’s life and his achievements without mentioning Barbara. I want to pay special tribute to the remarkable woman who is Barbara Richards. Ray and Barbara were married for 64 years, and all through Ray’s life Barbara has been his partner in every respect. When he was a publisher she was his confidante and supporter – and yes, also cooking hundreds of dinners for authors and having the occasional penniless one sleep in the spare room. When Ray was a literary agent Barbara was literally his partner, his colleague in the business. She is also charming, loving and considerate – and a fine artist. That’s her portrait of Ray over there. So let’s be clear: Ray could not have achieved what he did without her presence beside him.

Ray Richards, we salute you, for a life that made a huge difference, not just to your family, friends and colleagues – but also to New Zealand’s culture.

E te rangatira – haere, haere, haere. From all your friends and colleagues in the book publishing world, farewell Ray. . . .

More on Beatties Book Blog

Peter’s Piece

I met Ray Richards several times about five or six years ago after someone suggested that I should engage him as my literary agent.

Ray was in his mid eighties and trying to reduce his workload. He wasn’t keen on taking on a new author and so we talked about flying instead. His flying was in the 1940s, mine started in the 1950s. As I left his house he asked to see my manuscripts, and I left the complete Asker Trilogy with him.

A couple of weeks later we had another long chat and he gave me lots of sound advice on changes to the manuscripts and how to get them published. He must have put in many hours on my behalf for no return other than the pleasure of helping a fellow flyer and lover of books.

His help is acknowledged in the front matter of Book One of The Asker Trilogy, a small appreciation for a great book man.

TAXES & BENEFITS

New Zealanders, Australia's 'Underclass'

By Robert Burton-Bradley  -  NewMatilda.com

The flag of Australia

Documents released under Freedom of Information reveal the Federal Government has been concerned since 2008 about New Zealanders isolated from support, education and pathways to citizenship, reports Robert Burton-Bradley

The flag of New Zealand

Documents released (pdf) under Freedom of Information reveal the Federal Government is worried about a growing "underclass" of New Zealanders living and working in Australia with limited rights and without access to basic government services.

The FOI release from the Departments of Community Services, Immigration and Foreign Affairs show that as far back as 2008 there was increasing concern for the estimated 566,000 New Zealand citizens now living in Australia, drawn here by a "40 per cent wage gap". At least 240,000 fall into the post 2001 non-protected visa category.

New Zealanders can live and work in Australia indefinitely as Special Category Visa holders, but following changes to the migration program those who arrived after 2001 fall into the "non-protected category" with no access to basic social services such as unemployment benefits, parenting payments, sickness allowance or HECS-funded study. They will not be covered by the National Disability Insurance Scheme when it begins.

In early 2009, with the GFC beginning to hurt, the situation was making itself clear to staff at the Department of Community Services. In March of that year a section manager working for the department's international policy section wrote: "We have recently seen an increase in correspondence around non protected SCV holders and their inability to access working age payments. I suspect this issue will only intensify with the downturn in the economy . . . . 

See the full story at:  newmatilda.com

Peter’s Piece

If Australians want the production and taxes of New Zealanders then they should be prepared to give them the protection that they have been taxed for. In this case the taxation really is nothing less than theft and extortion.

I have always found most Australians very reasonable people, but I would say to those who object to sharing their country with other taxpayers, they should exercise their own option and go somewhere else to live.

For more than 200 years Australia and New Zealand

have been like one nation. Has the time come to

make it one nation?

Read about the first years of Australia

in this hard-to-put-down book

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BRITAIN FIRST

Britain First fanatics distort
the truth to win support

From the Britain First website:
Man who put up sign banning non-Asians
from his property let off by judge

A man who put up a sign outside of his home threatening any non-Asians who called there, or who talked to the residents, with violence has been let off by a judge.

Jim Dowson, left, and three of his Britain First henchmen

Vaseem Gova, of Parkhurst Road, Sutton, was handed an absolute discharge after appearing at Croydon Magistrates charged with a public order offence – because of “exceptional circumstances” namely that he faced losing his tenancy if convicted.

According to the Sutton Guardian, the sign read: “An Asian family occupy this property. If you are not Asian or a member of my family you MUST seek permission from the estate management before attempting to talk to anyone from this household.

“Failure to adhere to this heartfelt advice will render your life a misery and threats of serious assault and carjacking will reign upon you so fast that you will wonder why this street is not called Parkhurst Prison.”

Wonder if a sympathetic judge would have let off someone who put up a “no Asians allowed or you’ll be seriously assaulted” sign outside of their home.

You know the answer, their feet wouldn’t touch the ground and not one judge would give a damn about their tenancy.

Funny how it seems that the law is more lenient and sympathetic towards certain groups of people than others.

Peter’s Piece

Before readers get their blood pressure up over this article they should consider what really happened in that court, and what Britain First is really about.

It is true that a person was charged in the Croydon Magistrates Court with a racist offence and he was found guilty and ordered to pay £325 costs. This outcome was not the same as that claimed by Britain First. However, the defendant was discharged without conviction so that his tenancy would not be lost. That’s not an unusual outcome and it is to be hoped that he, and others like him, will think twice before repeating the offence.

Now let’s look at Britain First.

Britain First was registered as a political pressure group in 2011 after its leader Jim Dowson split acrimoniously from the racist British National Party where he was the chief fund-raiser.
Dowson is a clever fanatic who makes money, and political capital, from the prejudices of people who are easily influenced. His hobby horses are racism, immigration, abortion and Christian morality. The ‘Hope Not Hate’ organization has described Dowson, 48, as ‘the cash cow of the far right.’

However, while Dowson is skilled at producing inflaming reports of the court appearances of others, he has also made his own appearances. Last month he appeared in court, with the leaders of several other extremist groups, wearing a boiler-suit with ‘Political Prisoner’ on the back.

He is in cahoots with such trouble-makers as the Progressive Unionist Party, the Ulster Volunteer Force, and the Ulster Defence Association.

His stated objective is ‘to save this country and our people from the EU, politically correct, multicultural insanity that is now engulfing us.’

Rape is another issue that Dowson and Britain First like to sound off about with one claim that of 130 rape charges in a particular part of Britain, 116 were British and 14 were foreign nationals. Surely a figure like that must confirm that foreign nationals are under-represented in the crime statistics.

But a complaint from a British National candidate, Shelley Rose, in 2010 that she was groped by Dowson, coincided with his departure from the party.

Dowson and Britain First are skilled at whipping up bandwagon hysteria, but more cautious minds will see the likenesses with the early days of Hitler’s Nazi Party.

NEW ZEALAND REPUBLIC

The case for a
New Zealand republic

The case for a New Zealand republic sets out the main arguments for why New Zealand should become a republic. They fall into three categories:

Parliament Buildings, Wellington

Independence — New Zealand should have a New Zealander as the head of state;

Nationhood — the constitution and head of state of New Zealand should reflect New Zealand's national identity, culture and heritage;

Democracy — New Zealand should have a democratic and accountable head of state.

Independence

New Zealand will not be fully independent until we have a New Zealander as head of state. New Zealand likes to think of itself as an independent country. However, it cannot objectively be argued New Zealand's current head of state represents this.

A republic means a New Zealander as head of state

"Is New Zealand to continue to have an appointed Governor-General... or should we move to an elected president? This will not happen because of any lack of affection or love for our Queen in London, but because the tide of history is moving in one direction." - former Prime Minster Jim Bolger.

Our current head of state is not a New Zealander and does not represent New Zealand. When the Queen travels overseas, she does so in order to represent Great Britain.

The Queen works to strengthen British economic and political ties, and does whatever the British Government asks of her. In fact, whenever "our" head of state visits New Zealand, the Queen has to ask for permission from the British Government to leave Britain.

If the Queen wanted to be a citizen of New Zealand, she would not meet the legal requirements to become a citizen. The Citizenship Act 1977 requires an applicant for New Zealand citizenship to have been resident in New Zealand for five years before citizenship is granted. The Queen has spent a total of no more than six months in New Zealand.

The Governor-General is not a proper head of state. While the Governor-General may increasingly act in ways that befit a head of state, the reality is that New Zealand is still not regarded as being fully independent of Great Britain. Appointing the Queen's representative in New Zealand is inadequate. A New Zealand head of state will make it clear that New Zealand is an independent country. It will signal New Zealand's independence and maturity to the world.

Deciding the rules for ourselves

In recent years, the British Parliament has attempted to amend the succession law. The problem is the Statute of Westminster 1931, the law which granted legislative independence to Canada, Australia and New Zealand.

The Statute requires "consultation" on changes to the succession before any changes to the succession law. While this provision is not binding, it is still an important constitutional convention. The most recent attempt in 2008 failed for this reason: the British Government did not want to have to consult with all the parliaments of the Commonwealth realms. New Zealand's Parliament could change the law of succession unilaterally, but that would go against the convention established by the Statute of Westminster. Change can only be enacted if the governments of all the 15 Commonwealth realms are consulted, probably by Britain. In a republic, the rules governing New Zealand's head of state will be made solely by the New Zealand Parliament. They will change as New Zealanders decide they need to, not because of events in Great Britain.

Nationhood

"The case for an independent republic of New Zealand is summed up in one word — nationhood. It is a statement to the world and ourselves that New Zealand is a mature nation, that we possess a constitutional framework that best suits New Zealanders." — Michael Laws, Mayor of Wanganui.

New Zealand is a unique, dynamic and diverse country. New Zealand's constitutional arrangements, national symbols and head of state should reflect this.

A republic affirms New Zealand's sense of nationhood

"We exhibit symptoms of retarded nationhood: a widespread insecurity about what others think, a search for applause and endorsement by visitors; and, conversely, a begrudging willingness to extend applause here at home." — Simon Upton former minister and National MP.

Becoming a republic and electing New Zealand's head of state will foster a deeper and more sophisticated sense of nationhood. It will clarify to New Zealanders, and to the world, what New Zealand stands for.

How New Zealanders understand their place in the world is crucial to New Zealand's success in an increasingly globalized world. New Zealand excels in sport, in its human rights record, in business and in the arts. New Zealand's constitution lags behind these achievements. Our current constitutional arrangement causes confusion overseas as to whether New Zealand is linked to Britain, or whether it is part of Australia. We send conflicting messages about who we are and what we stand for.

The debate and discussion around becoming a republic affirms the values that are important to New Zealanders. It will promote discussion about New Zealand's history and future. It will clarify the values we all see as important. Becoming a republic will be a celebration of New Zealand's unique culture and heritage. It will demonstrate New Zealand's confidence and independence and it will symbolize a shared sense of nationhood.

Democracy

A republic will make New Zealand more democratic.

A republic will ensure we have a head of state that is democratically elected and accountable to voters. As a result the head of state will be a more effective constitutional safeguard. This will decrease the risk of political instability.

Electing the head of state is a basic democratic right. Republicanism is based on the principle that government authority is reliant on the consent of citizens. The Monarchy is based on the principle that hereditary privilege alone should decide the head of state. It represents a belief that government authority is embodied in a single individual (the Monarch). In a republic the head of state would be elected — either directly by voters, or indirectly by parliament.

Replacing the Governor-General

At present, the Prime Minister chooses the Governor-General and advises the Monarch of their choice. They usually choose someone who will not challenge them, and someone who has something to do with their own party.

In the past, this has meant a number of openly political appointments. National Prime Minister Jack Marshall gave his friend Sir Denis Blundell the job in 1972.

In 1977, Robert Muldoon appointed former Prime Minister Sir Keith Holyoake to the job. This was primarily because the next best candidate, Sir Edmund Hillary, had signed a petition in 1975 supporting Labour Prime Minister Bill Rowling. Sir Michael Hardie Boys was a known constitutional conservative with National Party leanings.

In 1985, Labour Prime Minister David Lange appointed the Reverend Sir Paul Reeves. Sir Paul was known for his activism for the anti-apartheid and anti-nuclear movements. Dame Catherine Tizard was appointed to the office in 1990 by the outgoing Labour Government. She was the former wife of Labour Deputy Prime Minister Bob Tizard.

While individually there have been good appointments made, there have also been a number of openly political appointments. Many of those, particularly the appointment of Sir Keith Holyoake, were very controversial. Creating a transparent democratic process will ensure that the replacement of the Governor-General will not be as controversial.

A republic means an effective constitutional safeguard

A republic will create a head of state in New Zealand that could act in times of constitutional crises. The Monarch and the Governor-General do not have the political power to do this. The Governor-General is unable to resolve constitutional crises because the Prime Minister holds the power to dismiss and replace the Governor-General at any time. The Monarch will never get involved in New Zealand politics, because they are "non-political". Having a head of state able to act effectively in times of crises will be a better restraint on the power of the executive — the Prime Minister and Cabinet.

The Monarch is an absentee and ineffectual head of state. The position is unaccountable to New Zealanders. In a republic, the head of state will be chosen by New Zealanders. They will work on behalf of all New Zealanders regardless of their political beliefs.

More from the website: http://www.republic.org.nz/case

Peter’s Piece

The New Zealand Republic debate does not need to be centered on whether or not New Zealanders should support the Queen and her successors.

As a republic the country could still support the monarchy as head of the Commonwealth and there can be no disputing that the Queen has been an exceptionally good leader of the Commonwealth. But it is no longer appropriate for her, or her successors, to be the New Zealand Head of State also.

Some New Zealanders fail to appreciate that most members of the Commonwealth are republics, and several are even kingdoms, and that does not affect their Commonwealth membership. A suggestion that becoming a republic would oblige New Zealand to leave the Commonwealth is pure scaremongering.

The debate should be about full independence, democracy and effective government with a New Zealand based democratically elected, executive head of state.

I believe New Zealand’s time has come.

OSHKOSH AIR TRAFFIC

Handling the air traffic at Oshkosh

Have you ever wondered how AirVenture Oshkosh can handle up to 10,000 visiting aircraft arriving and departing?

Oshkosh has got it down to a fine art. The arrivals and departures are a mix of VFR (visual), IFR (instrument) and NORDO (no radio) aircraft funneling into Whitman Regional Airport and several smaller fields for the seven day event.

In addition, Whitman also handles scheduled air services too.

To see how it works click this link: Download the AirVenture NOTAM.

I’ll be there to see it all on August 1 and 2. Can’t wait. Sixty-three more sleeps.

TRUCK SAFETY

Trucking industry safety needs improvement

By Andrew Koubaridis @A_Koubaridis , Kieran Campbell @KieranCampbell , Gisborne Herald

8:08 AM Thursday May 30, 2013

Trucking industry groups accept more needs to be done to improve safety, after two fatal crashes in the eight days since a campaign was launched to reduce the number of people killed in truck accidents.

The two men killed in the accidents, at Kerikeri on Tuesday and on the East Coast last week, are the latest victims in an industry desperate to improve its safety record.

Both crashes were between two trucks.

First Union transport and logistics secretary Karl Andersen has called for an investigation into the cause of heavy vehicle accidents, saying many drivers are being put under pressure to drive for longer shifts.

Road Transport Forum chief executive Ken Shirley said the safety of the industry had drastically improved in the last 15 years but he admitted more needed to be done to crack down on the "three big causes" of crashes: speed, inattention and fatigue . . . .

Full story: NZHerald

Peter’s Piece

Mr Shirley’s statement appears calculated to pass the buck down the line to the people at the coal-face; the drivers on the road who dare not speak out in case they get their marching orders.

Driving a truck for many companies can be a case of my way, or the highway.

Mr Shirley’s statement should be compared with the interim results of Operation Austrans:

Since its launch on May 20:

• 1079 heavy vehicles stopped: 13 coaches and buses, 406 truck and trailer units, 47 articulated trucks, 234 B-Trains and 379 rigid trucks

• 866 roadside drug and alcohol tests, no offenders.

• 93 warnings to heavy vehicle operators

• 363 infringements, including speed (53), seat belts (11), maintenance/vehicle faults (90), dangerous goods offences (10), excess weight/loading issues (42).

These results show that maintenance and vehicle faults (90) was the most common infringement. That is the responsibility of the operator, but a common response from operators to drivers when asked to drive a vehicle that is sub-standard is, “If you’re a professional, you’ll be able to handle it.”

But a statement like that surely makes the operator very un-professional.

We hear a lot of rumor about drivers on drugs, but out of 866 roadside tests they found no offenders. That’s right. Not one in 866.

Dangerous goods and overloading offences are the responsibility of the operator. A driver with many companies will be told to carry the load he is given, or take a hike.

Operation Austrans also deserves some criticism. They have issued 363 infringement notices to drivers, but only 93 warnings to operators. Is that fair?

AMBASSADOR EATEN

A conversation with the ambassador

Last week I had a Facebook friend request from Terence P Mcculley and so I hovered the mouse over the name and found that Terence was at a university in Norway and there was his clean-cut, suited photo to authenticate him. With 47,000 readers following this blog, the request was not unusual so I confirmed him.

A few days later Terence P Mcculley popped up on Facebook for a chat. Here is the conversation:

Terence P. Mcculley Hello

Me Hi Terence. Where are you?

Terence P. Mcculley I am Ambassador to Federal Republic of Nigeria Do you by any means do business or transaction with Nigeria

Me Interesting. I get lots of emails? from there.

Terence P. Mcculley Ok I will like you to discard every email you receive Mr Lamido Sanusi Lamido Central Bank of Nigeria Governor

Me Oh, yes. Quickly. Nice talking with you.

Terence P. Mcculley Ok I have a package in your name to deliver to you The package is worth 10.8M USD in my possession

Me I'll collect it personally next time I'm in Nigeria.

Terence P. Mcculley I have all the document I will be coming to State Next weekend Cause I have a meeting with government

Terence P. Mcculley Hello are you still thereToday

Terence P. Mcculley Hello

Yesterday there was a missed call on my phone from 0023448057691564 and I immediately suspected Nigeria. The phone rang again this morning at 3.15 am, but I didn’t get out of bed quickly enough to take the call. It was from the same Nigerian number. There and then I decided to Google Terence P Mcculley and found that he really is the US Ambassador to Nigeria and that was from the official US Government website. His Facebook profile is a bit out of date. See below:

Ambassador Terence P. McCulley
U.S. Ambassador to Nigeria

Terence McCulley is a career member of the Senior Foreign Service, with the rank of Minister-Counselor. He was the Deputy Chief of Mission at the U.S. Embassy in Copenhagen, Denmark from 2008-2010. Prior to this posting, he served as U.S. Ambassador to the Republic of Mali from 2005-2008. From 2004-2005, he worked at the State Department in Washington, helping to coordinate reconstruction efforts in Iraq. He has been the Deputy Chief of Mission at the U.S. Embassies in Togo, Senegal, and Tunisia and also served as Consul in Mumbai, India.

Ambassador Terence P McCulley

Joining the Foreign Service in 1985, Mr. McCulley started his career in Niger, followed by assignments in South Africa and Chad. Returning to Washington in 1993, he worked for two years on Central African affairs. He is the recipient of four Department of State Superior Honor Awards.

Mr. McCulley was born in Medford, Oregon, and grew up in Eugene, where he graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree in European History and French Language and Literature from the University of Oregon. As a Rotary Foundation Graduate Fellow, he studied political science at the Université de Haute Bretagne in Rennes, France. In addition, he attended the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy. McCulley is fluent in French.

Married to Renée McCulley, the couple has two sons.

But Google also told me that an imposter is using the ambassador’s identity and photo to scam people and below I have reproduced a conversation between the ‘Ambassador’ and ‘Ben Dover’ with some of Ben’s comments thrown in.  From Skunkfeathers Blog: http://skunkfeathers57.blogspot.co.nz/

Monday, May 6, 2013

I know that my exchanges with "Ambassador Terrence McCulley" -- the US ambassador to Nigeria -- really weren't conducted with the authentic ambassador.
At least, I think I hope not.
But this series of email exchanges is a rather typical case-in-point about what happens when you get a scammer with a Third World or Washington, DC public school education, off of their talking point template. For instance, I will recap the opening paragraph of the scammer's opening gambit:

My name is Terence Patrick McCulley, the new United States Ambassador to the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The United States Senate had confirmed my nomination on August 5 2010 after being nominated for this position by U.S. President Barack Obama on June 28, 2010. My credentials as the new Ambassador appointed were presented to His Excellency President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan at the Presidential Villa in Abuja, Nigeria, on November 2, 2010. I am a career member of the senior Foreign Service with the rank of Minister-Counselor whose diplomatic career has been spent mostly in Africa or working on African issues.

Now, as you follow the exchanges that took place between my character -- Ben Dover -- and "the ambassador", you will note a serious degradation in his grasp of the English language. Spent too long on social engineering in his DC public skool, I reckon. As usual, all the "ambassador" emails will be in bold, and "Ben" will respond in italics:

What an honor, Mr. Ambassador! And I am pleased -- albeit surprised -- to receive this news from you. Please address the courier package thus:

Mr. Ben Dover

(Bogus Street Address) Central City, CO 80427

Thank you!

Respectfully,

Ben Dover

United States Consulate General Lagos
2 Walter Carrington Crescent
Victoria Island, LagosNigeria.

ATTENTION: Mr. Ben Dover

THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL AND ALSO TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE OUR INSTRUCTION IF YOU WANT YOUR MONEY SENT TO AS STATED IN OUR PREVIOUS MAIL BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN HAVE YOUR AWAITED FUND CLAIM.

(it goes on to ask for additional information which I provide as follows):

Your Full name: Ben U. OverYour country and city: USA Central City
Your home address: (Bogus) Street, Central City CO 80427Your private phone number: 303-582-****
Your age: 45sex: whenever I canoccupation: professional poultry inseminatorDriver'S License: yes I have oneState ID: see previous answerPassport: 091164377Other government-issued photo ID: N/A

And the email finishes off with instructions on how I wire the required $150 fund to hisself:

Mr Ben .U Over

THANKS FOR YOU EMAIL MR BEN YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR DELIVERY OF YOUR FUNDS WHICH IS $150 AS SOON AS IT IS DON YOU WILL GET YOUR FUNDS YOU ARE TO SEND THE FEES THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?

HERE IS MY DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU TO CALL URGENTLY +234-8122607899.

Funny, but in checking the official US Embassy in Nigeria website, the phone numbers don't match. Oh well...thought I was actually gonna get to talk to hisself. Eh.

So, my response:

Your instructions received and understood. I will visit a Western Union on Monday, April 29, and attend to it.

Ben Dover

From here, the 'ambassador' tends to show flaws in his communication skills:

Thanks mr ben your all the information we you? And why is your phone number not going. I try to call you on phone but going okay you have my number we you so you can call me by monday after send the feel okay . Thanks

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

The number I gave you is my home number, and I am at work. I will either call or email you when I send the Western Union fee on Monday.

Ben

It okay I wait to hear from you by monday. Thanks have a good weekend

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

I will be in touch with you by no later than Monday afternoon, without fail.

Ben

Then comes Sunday afternoon, and I decide to start screwing with him early:

Good news, Ambassador: I was able to attend to this a day early. The Western Union fee of $150 has been sent as instructed. I will look in tomorrow to hear from you when I can expect my delivery.

BTW, for a US ambassador, you sure do type funny. Guess it's all that work overseas.

Ben

I wouldn't be 'available' to respond to anything the 'ambassador' sent until Monday afternoon, and boy was he ever chatty:

Mr Ben how are you today thanks for your email. All you need to do is to send me the MTCN number from the western union now. As soon as we pick up the money I will get back to you on how you can get your funds okay. Thanks again am waiting for your email we the MTCN number . Thanks
Terence P. McCulley.

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

And then came this...

Mr Ben how are you today thanks for your email. All you need to do is to send me the MTCN number from the western union now. As soon as we pick up the money I will get back to you on how you can get your funds okay. Thanks again am waiting for your email we the MTCN number .
Thanks
Terence P. McCulle

Heh...now he can't spell his own name. Then comes this:

Mr Ben can you send me the MTCN NUMBER. From the western union . Thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Finally, the 'ambassador' garners a response from Ben:

Dear Mr. Ambassador,

Yes, I can. I'll get right on that.

Ben

That response is not what the 'ambassador' is looking for, since his reply is all caps:

MR BEN THANKS FOR YOUR EMAIL, I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE MTCN NUMBER? SO IF YOU HAVE SENT THE FEE OF $150. ALL YOU NEED IS TO SEND US THE MTCN NUMBER . PLEASE IT TO HURRY.

Yes, I did send you the fee and yes, I will send you the MTCN as soon as I find it.

Ben

MR BEN HAVE YOU SEE THE MTCN NUMBER NOW? BUT WHY IS YOUR NUMBER NOT GOING I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU NUMBER ALL THE DAY BUT NOT GOING IS THIS NOT YOUR NUMBER ....................3035825440? YOU HAVE MY NUMBER THEM CALL ME NOW.

Ambassador: I am leaving for work now...you can't call me on my phone when I am online, because I use a dial-up connection for internet, and that number is my dial-up connection. So sorry, but really, don't get your panties in a wad. When I get home from work I will see what this MTCN thing is and send it to you.

WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON. WE THE MTCN NUMBER OKAY

Sorry Mr. Ambassador...have been busy at work. There are 10 numbers in the MTCN. Which one do you need?

Mr how are you . Are you back from work now pleas check the MTCN number and email it to me now we have no time on our side again. So am waiting for your email now
Thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Dear Ambassador, I checked the number and there are, indeed, 10 digits that comprise it. So tell me next what to do.

Ben

I have told you before now that you should send the ten digit number (mtcn control number) or better still scan the copy of the payment slip to me. If you know you can not do this then go ahead and call back your payment.

I knowd I'd piss him off sooner or later. Now that it's sooner, let's throw some more piss on it:

Dear Ambassador:

How would I call back my payment?

(1) It doesn't have a phone.

(2) If it does, I don't know its number.

Please explain this.

As for the MTCN, I have it here.

Ben

Them send me the MTCN number now okay

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

I can do that...there's ten of them. There's a 6...follered by a 9...then anudder 6...a 5...a 4...a 0...a 1..anuddah 1...anudda 7...anna 3 on the end.

Now, how do I call back my money? Does it have a call back number?

Ben

SEND IT THIS WAY OKAY
Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?
HERE IS MY DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU TO CALL URGENTLY +234-8122607899.

So you want it to be sended looking like this?

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?
Okay...I'm sending it that way.

Ben

YES

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY

That's how he want it...that's how he get it:

Good. Here it is, just as you asked:

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?

Thanks for that but no mtcn number again why. Can you go back to the bank and as them for the mtcn number them email it to me okay

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Ambassador: yes, I could go to a bank and ask them about this. But I didn't go to a bank; I went to Western Union. Western Union wired the money for me, not a bank. And Western Union is in all kinds of places, as I'm sure you know, having been here before going to all those foreign venues. So, I could go to a bank...but why? Didn't I just send you exactly what you wanted, in exactly the manner you wanted it?

Ben

This scammer is patient if he's anything; he REALLY wants this $150. So he responds:

Okay them go back to western union and ask them to show you the mtcn number okay them send it to me now am waiting thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Okay, if you insist I must...but the Western Union I went to won't be open until 8am my time. It is now 5:23am my time. What time is it for you, Ambassador?

It is 12.30pm my time,so am waiting for your email them thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY

So I wait two and a half hours, and then we start up again:

Mr. Ambassador, I went to the Western Union from whenst I sent the $150, and I told them what you told me to tell them. And they were great: they gave me a copy of the same receipt I already have, so now I have two. I can mail one to you if you like.

I am at your service.

Ben

send a copy of it.to me now am waiting for the copy

Okay, what's your mailing address? I'll get it out in the mail today.

Ben

THIS IS MY EMAIL ADDRESS ............ terencemcculley2010@gmail.com so send me the copy of it now am waiting for that now

I know your EMAIL address. If you want me to send you this copy, I need your regular mail address. I don't have a working scanner to scan it in.

I think I'm wearing him down finally:

I will advice you send it if you are serious about getting your fund.

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Ambassador, I don't think I care for the tone of your email voice. You aren't acting very ambassadory here. I have followed your instructions in the spirit which they were intended, and now that I got you an extra copy of the receipt, you won't give me your mailing address to send it to you. You are the one, I remind you, that contacted me with this deal; I had no clue about it before hearing from you. You're a diplomat; start acting diplomaty and make this work. You want the receipt copy, GIVE ME YOUR MAILING ADDRESS.

Diplomats are supposed to have great patience and aplomb, rising to difficult occasions with finesse and diplomatic rhetorical flourishes, or so I thought. Which perhaps proves that this next is NOT from a real ambassador:

you r not serious. you wast much my times to this. i with you no more.

And just when I was getting to enjoy his patience at collecting a mere $150. Oh well:

Ambassador by AMC;

I guess that, by your refusal to provide a mailing address, you really didn't need the western union receipt after all. Bad ambassador. Very very bad ambassador.

Of course, it did occur to me that you have never actually been THE ambassador, Terrence P. McCulley; you might have been a Nigerian pretending to BE him, since you'd probably cooked and eaten our US ambassador. I know things are a bit backward and primitive in parts of Nigeria that way.

Let me advice you a few things, since you obviously don't want to collect the money I sent you via Western Union: next time you purport to use the seal of the US ambassador to Nigeria, understand that generally speaking, the seal doesn't bark.

Just sayin'.

Since I never heard back from the real ambassador when this nonsense started, perhaps I'm not offbase to assume that my just-concluded Nigerian DID eat the ambassador.