Tuesday, 25 February 2014

PILOT HUMOR

All in a day’s flying 
From Ailsa Reece

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-  

 'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US Air Force Manual - 

 'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur - 

 'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual- 

 'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -  

 'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' (Any aircraft can clear barrage baloons. Once.)
- Naval Ops Manual -  

 'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal- 

 'Yea, Though I fly through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.  For I am at 50,000 feet and climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
  
 'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
  Paul F. Crickmore

 'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author- 

 'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot- 


 'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
  -Multi-Engine Training Manual-  

 'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-  

 'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight briefing from a Canadian F-104 pilot- 

 'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.'
-Sign over control tower door-  

 The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors unknown-  

 'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-  

  'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-  

 'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) - 

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'  
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'


 It's safer to stay on the ground with a good book!


 Available now from Amazon  or Smashwords


OCCUPATIONAL ABUSE

Advertising Complaints Authority endorses occupational abuse

New Zealand’s Advertising Complaints Authority has declined to proceed with a complaint that a truck driver was wrongly, and publicly, accused by police of causing a major accident on Auckland’s Southern Motorway.

A police road safety video clearly showed a car cutting across the front of a truck, colliding with the truck and rolling several times. The truck did not deviate from its lane and its speed was steady until struck by the car without warning. There was no evidence that the truck driver had been using a phone while driving, as claimed by police and given as the cause of the accident. Police later apologized to the truck driver.
Peter Blakeborough -
A professional driver since 1964
and still driving safely

The first police officer on the scene has denied that the truck driver was in any way to blame. But someone else decided that it would be okay to blame the truck driver. Presumably, they thought that people would understand and agree that truck drivers generally are a bad bunch and the more they can be dumped on the better.

That is totally wrong and a clear-cut case of the worst kind of occupational abuse.

The road safety video missed an opportunity to explain the real cause of the accident, a cause that is seen far too often and frequently has fatal consequences. No driver, of any vehicle, should ever attempt to overtake a merging vehicle. When the lanes merge the driver who has the front of his vehicle in front, should be allowed to stay in front. There is no other safe way to merge. 

Being the fastest driver on the road does not give that driver right of way.

Meanwhile, in its decision not to take the complaint further, the Advertising Standards Authority said that the wrongful accusation that the truck driver had caused the accident was unlikely to cause widespread concern.

Would they have reached the same conclusion if the Prime Minister had been wrongly accused of causing an accident while on the phone? Are they saying that truck drivers don’t warrant fair and honest treatment? Are they saying that truck drivers are not worthy members of society? Do they not understand that truck drivers also have families, friends, employers, work associates and future work prospects? 

Continued below . . . .
Available now from Amazon or Smashwords

I suggest that the Authority was influenced by a public perception that truck drivers are unworthy and generally not important. But surely the Authority has a responsibility to set the record straight when advertising wrongly indulges in this kind of occupational abuse.

Do we really have to have laws (as we do for race, age and religion) that will protect professional drivers, lawyers, car salesmen, politicians, teachers, police and others who frequently have to endure unfair abuse, not because of their behavior, but simply because of their occupation?

It will be a sad day, but it may have to come to that.

Watch the video:








Monday, 3 February 2014

MIDDELFART

Middelfart is a real place in Denmark

This another revealing episode in the series of strange and unusual place names from around the world.
Middelfart, Denmark

Middelfart is a real town of 15,000 people in central Denmark, and according to Wikipedia Middelfart means central passage (well, I think we already know that), and it is close to the Jutland Peninsula (I think we know that too, but only in the male version of the species).

Middelfart has had a long association with whaling and fishing dating back to the Middle Ages and famous landmarks include two large bridges over Little Belt Strait.

The town of Middelfart has a post office, tourist office, cinema, a café and a library. The local attractions are sailing and whale watching.

The most notable Middelfartians include a former Tottenham Hotspurs player and an entrant in the Eurovision Song Contest. All other residents should therefore be considered mediocre Middelfarts.


Place names aplenty in these books

From Smashwords: Peter Blakeborough's Books





LEARNING TO BE A TRUCKER


THE TRUCKER
By Peter Blakeborough (Tune: The Gambler)

About fifteen years ago on a plane bound for Little Rock,
I’d set my heart on trucking, I was too excited to sleep,
So I studied the Arkansas manual till I thought I knew the answers,
Believin’ when I didn’t know, I’d just have to cheat.

Well, I passed that written test and passed the physical too,
But I had no idea what to do when I backed that semi-trailer,
The trainer grinned and rolled his eyes. He’d seen it all before,
Cos I backed that son-of-a-bitch like I had a skin-full of tequila.

Cos every trainer knows which way to turn the wheel, how far and back,
So I skilfully turned it to the left and turned to the right,
But the trainer threw his hands in the air and gave up in disgust,
And when I searched the mirrors that goddam trailer was clean out of sight.

Well, I got to know that trailer, when to turn the wheel, when to bring it back,
So I hooked up a load for Ohio, eight hundred miles aways,
And an old hand gave me this advice to chew on as I drove,
There’s more young bold truckers, than old bold truckers, on the freeways.

You gotta know when to drive and know when to sleep,
Know when to write the log, know when to fudge,
Don’t ever count the dollars until you’ve run the miles,
And take is easy out there, sunshine, or you’ll become a smudge.

And when he finished speaking he turned back toward his rig,
Connected up his trailer, connected up his hoses,
Cos he knew that, man or woman, bein’ an over-the-road trucker,
Is more hard work than a life of beer and roses.

You gotta know when to drive and know when to sleep,
Know when to write the log, know when to fudge,
Don’t ever count the dollars until you’ve run the miles,
And take is easy out there, sunshine, or you’ll become a smudge.

You gotta know when to drive and know when to sleep,
Know when to write the log, know when to fudge,
Don’t ever count the dollars until you’ve run the miles,
And take is easy out there, sunshine, or  you’ll   become    a      smudge.

More in the book:


Now available as an E-book from:

HAPPY READING

Other E-Books by Peter Blakeborough

Available now from: Amazon or Smashwords